My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
