I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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