So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
