Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my shit smells like andre
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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