I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
