I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
