I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
