Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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