The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
