no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
