Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
