Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
