I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
