I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
