When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
