I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
