Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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