Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
