There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
