Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
