i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
