no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
