Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
