24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
