There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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