while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
