hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
