Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
