last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
