So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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