I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
