Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
