There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
