I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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