Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
