He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i love accidental penises.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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