Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
where am i from again
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
