my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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