I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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