So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
