This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
