Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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