pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
