I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
