I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
