How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
