One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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