if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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