I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
