I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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