I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
